* oregon dreams *

i love mrh

2011-04-15T07:54:00.001-07:00

i love you

2009-03-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

and it sometimes hurts.

it hurts today and it hurt yesterday.

i love you and i am ready for it to stop hurting.

and I love me, i finally really love me

which is partly why it hurts....

and that is a good kind of hurt.

today i am grateful

2009-02-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

the is my new blog same as my old blog but different.

this is a new day, same as yesterday but not...this is my sweet love, same as the new love and grown into a new love, still there, still alive...still able to grow and sparkle. this is me....a little cracked, a little faded but beautiful and alive...new opportunities are all around me. I leave in just 2 days to an incredible adventure and for that, today, I want to be grateful and mindful. for the great love i have shared with a beautiful man, today I am grateful.

chai and crusty bread

2009-02-07T08:13:00.000-08:00

March 17, 2008 10:17 pm

That room, sometimes forgotten. It’s a good place. Its warm in there, I like it, the sprouts do to…they are peaking out…taking their time…like me I suppose. Its a calming space, I meditate and hang the soft, ecowashed laundry, it becomes a jungle in there…I like it, the slowness, I’ve been taking my time…I realize how much I like to do that.

pre·co·cious

2009-02-07T08:11:00.000-08:00

March 16, 2008 8:06 pm

that word popped into my mind today while thinking about my sweet girl…she is that and so much more…she is a creature that is evolving so fast it makes my head spin! I realize today that I am her center….the more I keep my center and be there for her the more she can keep hers…parenting is an ever changing challenge that can be so sweet and overwhelms me so often…she made me laugh today, her flair for drama, she teaches me so much. i love her.

(pic is from summer)

those moments those days

2009-02-07T08:10:00.000-08:00

I often have them, this morning has been some of those…emotions, subtle energies, changes, chaos, stress…its hard for me to bare at times…I’m sensitive and it often effects me to the point where I need to re~treat for a bit to find my center. I’m 30 now, I still feel like a child in many ways. With my love, I can have the openess and innocense of a child and a tender heart…a heart only recently opened can be quite tender at times I know from personal experience. I love you sweetie…I’ll miss you but you will be back soon…the hardest part is the getting ready and the leaving part…thanks for your understanding…I love you. Time to get my groove back…figuring out how to go about the rest of my day now in peace with my little girl..I need to get my home in order, when it is out of some sort of order I feel it within…I’m rambling….oh and thank you for sweeping, I appreciate that more than you know. :’) I like having this space to explore writing…it is a beautiful day and its time to do some more with it. blessings to all~*

March 15, 2008 10:15 am - saturday with my girl..

2009-02-07T08:09:00.000-08:00

were off for coffee house brunch and some saturday fun, one of our first outings in our new town…she is growing up so fast…I have more fun with her these days, we have both grown. she is beautiful and most of the time i am happy to be her mama. i’m sure someday i will write about my parenting struggles here. time to get us on our way. i get to drive the winding road thru the trees with water view, its lovely and i am happy to be here, it feels like home.

March 14, 2008 8:48 am - love

2009-02-07T08:06:00.000-08:00

love amazes me, we become a blissful one that astounds me…nourishes my heart and soul…calms my body, feeds a primal hunger…he is divine and i adore him…love had been a thing i was afraid of and never knew…once a mama the door opened and when he came along it grew and grew…love can truly do as they say, when my heart is open the world is such a beautiful place and when i close it for fear it can be limited and scary…i used to think (was taught) that men were not to be trusted and i know much differently now..i know a man with a heart that can be bigger than i ever knew anyones heart could be…a man who can heal me with his words and his touch…with just a look he can say so much and reach into my soul..such a beautiful man….i know now they can be that way, we are so beautiful together…i always knew in my heart that one day i would meet him…even when i knew this i wasnt sure how i knew what i seemed to know and how i was going to meet this man who i knew was going to be just the man for me when i was afraid of almost every other man…but somehow i knew.

The first time i met him i was scared, more scared than i have ever been to meet anyone else before…my heart was only open a sliver…he shook up places within me that were aching to be touched and loved, places within me that were not fun to deal with, they needed to be stirred up and let go..the second time I met him my heart was opening…like the first flowers of spring poking up thru the cold ground sensing the coming warmth…I saw and knew love when I looked into his eyes…it is amazing what love can heal, it is amazing and humbling how love will stand by you, the love within us never leaves except when we let it.

March 11, 2008 -pangs of life

2009-02-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

There is a sudden burning in my heart…it beats faster. My body starts to tense. I feel anxiety and slight panic…thoughts start to run thru my mind of explainations for why I am feeling this. The physical and mental panic grow and overwhelm me…I am afraid, my fears are uncaged and running loose within me, that is a scary feeling…fears from my childhood are let loose and wreak havoc on my well being and my ability to be open and loving…especially to the one closest to me…the one who I’ve opened my heart to like no other…its amazing, wonderful and sometimes scary to love so deeply and to know that someone else can effect me so deeply…but I want it, I want it bad….i love him to the depths of my soul and it is such a hurting place I get to when those fears let loose in me…fears and insecurities that I know as a rational adult arent anything to worry over yet, they are a part of my body mind and spirit, they are embedded in me from my experiences and come out at times…when I least expect it sometimes.

I’ve cried tears of relief just now, letting all this out, I’m finding this space to be theraputic when I let myself open and let it out….I think I’m hooked…
heart

March 10, 2008 - I've dreamed....

2009-02-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

of moving to Oregon for 13 years, thru all my struggle I’ve kept that hope in my heart and here I am…no wait…here WE are…my beautiful daughter, my sweet dog and my loving man…I am truly blessed and grateful.

my honey fiasco....

2009-01-16T17:10:00.000-08:00

I was quite forgetful the other day at my local co-op...I had just talked to the manager about a job right before this event...so I grab a glass bottle from the reuse box and the new honey dispenser goes super slow so I thought I would go grab some groceries and then come back for it, well... I forgot completely about it and as I happened to walk to that area of the store I run into several employees stumbling upon the raw local honey dripping off the natural wood shelves, it was dripping down one onto another and dripping down again...someone asked, "where you pouring honey"? in a nice way and I totally admitted that yes, I was me and let the manager know that he already knew something about me...I forget things...I said this to him....he seems very nice, he has a very sweet face....maybe its just the sweet face but he does seem very nice. Anyway, one instinct was to just say sorry, get my groceries and get out of there...but a stronger part of me really wanted to help clean it up, the employees ran in the back to get things to clean it up and I grabbed a lid and container and scraped it up until I was kindly ushered to the sink to wash up with warm water, "warm waters the trick" the kind guy says...I'm in that pre-moon time phase the luteal phase...I could feel that extra sensitivity coming on a bit but I decided to go with what I was feeling instead of fighting it in any way...I took a breath and noticed I felt some anxiety and clumsy and went on with it...afterwards I had this stronger sense of myself and I felt bonded to the people at the co-op because of the honey.

first post!

2009-01-13T15:32:00.000-08:00

I'm happy to be writing a blog again...somehow, it fills a space that is nice. I hand write a blog sometimes....

first post over, my daughter is going to read me a story

until next time : )